Unrequited Love Letters
by SmutSmutSmut
Summary: “You're everywhere..” he whispers to no one. “Why can't you just leave me alone...?” His voice cracks, his body trembles. “I just want peace.” He asks for so little, for so much. Since Jacob has passed on; Edward re-lives his life with him. Lemon to come.
1. Unrequited Love Letters

_Unknown Date, November or maybe December, 2200_

_Today's date is lost in the mixture of my mind. I only know the general area of the month because of the frost that builds up on the window panes, but it could very well be January. I'm starting to lose track of everything. A short while after his death I grieved, but I still knew it was 6:00 on a Saturday night. I still wore t-shirts in the summer, even if I could not feel the heat. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was aware of my surroundings, but eventually it all just blurred and meshed together. Night became Day, one hour was the same as another. But worse than that... Worse than being unable to tell one thing from next, was that he was everywhere..._

_I often found myself catching glimpses of _him _in places _he _couldn't possibly be anymore; like the reflection of _him _in my eyes. It was always a passing thing that others seemed to not notice; or I could feel_ his _fingers running through the thickness of my hair. Most times it was a simple gesture; _His _hand on my cheek, or the sensation of his lips pressed against my own. Never the less, they were just gestures, broken memories I struggled to forget. _He _no longer resided here. I frequently found myself muttering away to no one in particular, only catching myself when I noticed the stares of others._

_I can't help but notice these things. Feel these little notions planted inside my head that maybe he's still here. Maybe he hasn't really passed on. But I can't dwell on it for long because I notice I leave for hours at a time, just sitting here thinking about him._

Edward sets the pen down and stares at his calligraphic scrawl. It's enough for one night, he thinks, knowing it will go on for several pages and he wants to pace himself. It's late and Edward, after so many years, finally feels tired. He knows he shouldn't. He knows he shouldn't feel any kind of emotion, but tonight, he thinks, he should be allowed. He walks away from the desk, his limbs sagging a little, his feet dragging across the floor. He wants to find a bed, a safe haven. His room feels miles away but when he hits that soft comforter he melts.

Closing his eyes, he breaths in his scent. The blankets and pillows know him. They know his scent and hold it well, never letting Edward down. He wraps himself in the blankets, cocooning his body until he can smell _him_ all around him.

"You're everywhere.." he whispers to no one. "Why can't you just leave me alone...?" His voice cracks, his body trembles. "I just want peace." He asks for so little, for so much. Burying his face in _his_ pillow he allows himself to be carried away. Peace won't come tonight.


	2. I Remember

Little note: A big thank you to those who favorited, alerted me and an even bigger thank you to those who reviewed! That means a lot to me as a writer and gives me motivation to keep going.

I just want to touch on one tiny thing: My chapters are going to be short. I'm doing it this way as a test thing I guess. I write very long chapters and NEVER finish them, but I write long one shots and am fine with that. I'm hoping that by writing shorter chapters I will have the want to continue on.

-&-

_December 12th, 2200,_

_I figured out the day._

_I remember the other night, my memories terrified me, and yet they thrilled me. It's always the same memory, but it's distinctively different. I remember feeling nothing, although every sensation prickled my skin. Wherever I was, I was there alone. I couldn't tell anything a part from one another. And then_ he _was there. He was visibly upset and a sudden wave of despair washed over me. _

_I knew I could not help him._

_I remember feeling gripped by _his _pain. Whatever he needed was of dire importance. It took hold me up and left me paralyzed. _

_I thought I could save him by wrapping my arms around him, so I held into him with an iron grip. I thought it might keep the pain inside._

_I was wrong, and then he was gone._

_But of course that never happened. I don't why my mind makes up these things. Why it seems to want to fool me into believing Jacob was actually hurt. When I snapped out of my trance, Jacob was sleeping beside me, his breathing even. He was unharmed. He didn't need me._

_I remember when Jacob turned 17 and finally felt even with me, like we our age was some game. We had a big party for him. He ended up drunk and coming home with me. My family laughed, they thought a passed out werewolf was hilarious._

_I dragged him up the stairs and let him crash on my bed. When he woke, he woke to his birthday present._

_I was a little embarrassed to be caught in a nurse uniform but his eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning. I remember he was still tipsy as his eager hands groped at my body. _

_I laughed when I told him I needed to give him a check up. He caught on fast. He laid on the bed perfectly still, his muscles glowing in the moonlight. I crawled on top of him, straddling his hips and began my tedious work. Each stroke over his taunt muscles made his body quiver. He was mush in my hands._

_I remember leaning close to him and kissing the shell of his ear, trailing my tongue along it, making him whimper and squirm. He was begging me to please him._

_And since it was his birthday, that's what I did. Trying not to feel anxious, I tugged his shorts down, freeing his aching cock. It was already dripping and it throbbed between my thighs. I reached my hands back to slip out of the outfit until he stopped me._

_He demanded I leave it on. I lifted it up slightly and tugged down the panties I had been wearing. His hands slid onto my hips and he guided me towards his aching member. _

_He slid into me easily, no preparation, no protection. Just him, raw and real. I gasped and clenches around him, causing him to moan deep in the back of his throat. He gripped me tighter and began rocking up into me._

_I remember feeling each thrust, each pull back. My cock bobbed eagerly against my chest, spreading sparkly precum over it. Our positions shifted and he had me on my back, never ceasing to pound inside of me._

_I moaned loudly, knowing the whole house could hear and not caring. He continued to ram into me, knowing he couldn't hurt me and I lay there, taking it, loving it. He leaned over me and our lips met with a bruising force. _

_I remember I could feel him trembling above me and I knew he was close. He moaned, howled, and emptied himself inside of me. His seed fill me and spilled around his dick. I shot a few thrusts after, coating us both in glitter._

His hand was trembling by the time he finished re-calling the memory. Edward's cock was hard, pressing against his jeans. He turned from the desk, folding the letter up carefully. His body quivered as he walked down the hallway towards the living room.

Everything was how it was the day Jacob passed on. Clothes were on the floor, dishes in the sink. Edward was afraid to touch anything, afraid he might erase what was left of Jacob.


	3. I Don't Remember

I just want to take this time to thank you all once again for reviewing.  
I also want to give a big thank you to Stephanie, my Beta!

-&-

_December 24th, 2200_

_I don't remember why he was angry at me, or why I felt like I wanted to hit him. It was the day before Christmas and I could feel the tension around me. I watched him pace around the living room, muttering to himself. I don't remember why he was so worried or why I didn't even really care. I was absorbed in my book, unaware of the things around me._

_The tree in the corner of the room illuminated his face, casting shadows on his dark features. The snow continued to fall with a vengeance, leaving the house cold, a constant draft blowing through and affecting even Jacob to the core. It had been snowing for days now, steadily building up outside the front door and along the window sills._

_The floorboards creaked during the winter and each step sent Jacob into another fit. Nothing was safe from his fury and I was starting to grow weary. _

_That night he seemed anxious, his eyes searching in the dark for something that wasn't there. There were fresh tracks in the snow, abnormally large paw prints and they led me to believe we were being watched. Tearing his eyes from the window, he moved towards me and I looked up from my book. Although he seemed deep in thought, he looked lost. _

_A permanent scowl rested on his face and I paid little attention to him. As I turned the page slowly, a slight movement in front of me was the only warning I had before he ripped the book from my hands and threw it against the wall. I blinked up at him, a little shocked. His body trembled, his hands balled up at his sides._

"_Jacob.." Before the words were out of my mouth, I was lifted from my chair and my back was slammed against the wall, the plaster breaking behind me. I stared into his eyes calmly, my mind racing. I had never known Jacob to behave this way. Of course he got angry from time to time, but never had I been at the core of his frustration._

"_Are you listening to me!?" He was upset, this much was true, but his question was laced with uncertainty._

_I, in fact, had not been listening to him. He let me go and my feet touched the cold floor. I watched him turn and storm out, slamming the front door behind him._

_He didn't come home that night or the night after that, but I don't remember feeling worried. I figured that he was a grown man; he can take care of himself. _

_When he did come home, he was different. His mood had changed from anger to somber. He mumbled a hurried apology and that was the extent of our conversation. Whatever happened between those two nights had changed him._

The pen halted and Edward stared down at the parchment. For reasons he could not discern he could not recall anymore of that night. His mind felt hazy when trying to call particular memories such as these ones. These memories were the memories which hurt Edward to the core: the memories in which Jacob was anything but happy.

-&-

I just want to say I'm not particularly happy with this chapter only because I feel it's a filler but I hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless.


	4. I Know

I'm a roll I must say! I think the "short chapter" way works far better than the long chapters, at least for me.

Once again, as always, thank you for the reviews!

-&-

_April 14, 2200,_

_If I had known then what I know now._

_I know his hair smelled like dirt, the dusty kind you find yourself covered in when running through the forest as he so often did. I know he talked in his sleep and warned me of the loch ness monster that was living in our bathtub, going so far as to explain to me just how to defeat it properly with his sleepy mumbles. I know he liked the scent of freshly cut grass and that rainy days brought him down. _

_I know he loved me. _

_Cold nipped at his ears bitterly and he let out another noise of aggravation. As I descended the stairs, I was greeted by the quiet fuming of Jacob and the sweet, lingering aroma of chocolate and coffee. Warmth washed over my body as I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders._

_He was staring out the window again, his eyes fixed on the rain pounding relentlessly against the pane. He was cradling a steaming mug of coffee, a little piece of heaven to keep him warm on this cold night._

_Bringing the mug to his lips, he took a sip and burnt his tongue. He let out a guttural growl and set the cup down with a sharp click of ceramic against wood. _

"_I hate the rain."_

_And he really did. I know it made him groggy and miserable and his fur smelt bad when he went out. I know he got sick and would end up in bed feeling horrible and helpless. I know that after 8 years of being together, things never changed, and that Jacob was still territorial over everything when he was in a mood._

_I shifted my head to fit on his shoulder and watched the rain with him. _

"_It's really coming down."_

_He didn't reply. Instead he picked his coffee back up and finished it off. I know it takes more than one cup to revive his energy. I rubbed my hands over his back and he shifted his weight, not really pulling away but by no means leaning into me._

"_I'm going to make dinner." And I left him looking out that window, that far off look in his eyes._

Edward knows he should have paid attention to that look, he had seen it before. The look in Jacob's eyes, the one that was distant, as if visiting a fond memory. No, Jacob was never grounded, his mind always somewhere else, and Edward missed the warning signs.


	5. I Wonder

I'd like to address a question blackhearteddistruction posed to me about Edward's mind reading abilities. I always say it one of two ways: One, Edward respected Jacob enough to try not to read his mind. Or two, Jacob was just really good at hiding his thoughts.

Whichever you decide to believe is simply why I haven't touched on that subject.

I would also like to say this is probably the second to last chapter in the small fic.

-&-

_June 7__th__, 2200_

_I wonder if things could have been different between us. If perhaps I had been less oblivious, he might still be here. I wonder if I had infiltrated his mind I would have found out how much he didn't care for me, and what he really thought about when he looked at me. I wonder if there had always been this gap between us, and how I had unintentionally managed to make it bigger._

_I wonder now if maybe our life together could have taken a different path, if we would have still ended up in the same place had things been different._

_If I had said I love you more often, or shared my thoughts with him, maybe he would still be here. Or maybe I'm just crazy to think small things such as those could bring someone back from the dead._

_Looking back, as I stared into his emotionless eyes, I noticed that life had drained from them, and the vibrant color had faded. And I ask myself now: when did this happen? When did I start losing Jacob? How long had he been fighting this battle and I, too absorbed in everyone else, failed to notice?_

_I don't know if I believe that everything happens for a reason, there has to be some mystery to this world after all. But maybe, just maybe, there is a reason why Jacob had to die. As I sit and question this over and over, it seems to make more sense to me. I've considered that he was possibly more valuable somewhere else, or God was punishing me for being too happy. _

_But then realization strikes that I don't believe in God, and there's no where Jacob belonged other than at my side, with me._

_Sometimes I have to stop myself from going crazy because I find myself over evaluating things. Half the time my thoughts aren't coherent. My thoughts torture, keep me a prisoner of my own mind, going repeatedly in circles which consist of the same thoughts, the same "what ifs" that plague me every day. I wonder what everyone would think if they could hear my thoughts. I wonder how many of them would still respect me. _

_They'd probably think I'm crazy._

_I wonder if I could have held him here for a little longer, if I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck once more. If it would have made a difference at all, or would I still be here missing him, wondering._

Edward knows his mind is a dangerous thing, and he shouldn't use it often. But every now and again he wonders about Jacob. He wonders if he's doing okay, if life is what he wants it to be wherever he is. He wonders if Jacob misses him and likes to believe he probably does.

He wonders: if there were a way to bring him back, would he do it? Or would he be too afraid of what might return?


End file.
